


This Day is Harder Than Most

by D6SKZ



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bang Chan is a Good Friend, Bang Chan is a Sweetheart, Gen, Han Jisung | Han is a Sweetheart, Woojin is a good friend, angst but also not, i just wanted sad han to feel loved, sprinkle of all stray kids members, starts off kinda sweet, this was supposed to be really sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:33:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23545435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/D6SKZ/pseuds/D6SKZ
Summary: “You’re enough Jisung,” he whispers, “Please, please believe me.”Chan pulls him impossibly closer, cradling Jisung as if he were made of nothing, as if he would disappear the minute he dared to let go. He can feel the wetness of Jisung’s tears soak through his shirt, but the only thing Chan can think to do is to card his hands through the smaller boy’s hair and wait patiently for the tears to subside.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Han Jisung | Han, Bang Chan/Kim Woojin, Bang Chan/Stray Kids Ensemble
Kudos: 68





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Come join me on my first crack at writing anything ever! 
> 
> This will most likely be a small chaptered work, possibly around 4000+ words, centred around Jisung having some slightly darker insecure/anxious thoughts, and Chan, his leader, who is there to get him through it all. Add in a side of Woojin being a bro that looks out for everyone, especially when our leader needs it most, and you've got the gist of this thing I'm working on.

Routine chaos. Those are the only words Chan can use to describe what goes on like clockwork every morning in a dorm with 9 boys, a manager, and one single washroom. Thanks to his… Particular ~~non~~ sleeping habits, he, luckily, has no part in it most days.

This morning was the same as many others. In the wee hours of morning, before anyone else had even the slightest thought of waking up, he got up, showered, made himself something to eat, forgot all about eating it, worked for hours on some track hunched over his computer, and finally came back to eating his long forgotten food.

“Dibs on the bathroom!” Minho shouts, lunching himself off the couch as Hyunjin steps out of the washroom. Minho pauses in the doorway of Changbin’s room, childishly sticking out his tongue out as a taunt while passing towards the bathroom. 

“Not fair! Hyuuuung!” Changbin whines indignantly from his top bunk. “Hyuuung, how could you do this to me?! I’ve been waiting for him to move his ass outta there since forever!”

“Well, if you’d have hurried and gotten _your_ ass up and moving, this luxurious bathroom space could’ve been all—"

_Bang!_

“What the—?” Minho and Changbin speak in unison.

“ _Too slow_!” Comes Jeongin’s voice from the other side of the locked bathroom door.

Changbin cackles and Hyunjin joins in with his usual high-pitched laugh as Minho mutters darkly under his breath about seeking out vengeance against all those have wronged him.

“Thank god our maknae’s too young and too cute for anyone to ever seriously hurt him, Minho included.” He hears Felix mutter to his left.

Chan should probably point out to him that he’s wearing two socks that don’t match, one purple with flowers and the other with otters eating bananas, but knowing Felix, it could have very well been intentional.

In Chan’s opinion, maknae or not, Jeongin locking the door was a very wise move. Nobody without a solid door between themselves and Minho’s preening time should ever consider such a bold move. (Unless of course, they really do wish for a slow and painful death, because Minho could totally arrange that.)

He turns his focus back onto the sandwich he’d been eating and nods to Hyunjin, who is now sleepily shuffling into the kitchen, and then to Woojin, who had been trailing behind Hyunjin with a slight frown on his face.

“What’s up doc?”

“Doc?”

Woojin's expression turns puzzled as Chan laughs at himself for sometimes forgetting that Woojin doesn’t always get his English pop culture references.

“Oh, I’ll, uh, explain another time... What’s troubling you is what I mean to ask.”

Woojin’s frown returns. “Can you… Check up on Jisung Chan? Seungmin was worried he was coming down with something serious and we need to leave in…” Woojin glances down to the screen on his phone, “about 20? And I haven’t heard anything from him yet.”

“Oh, yeah, no worries hyung.” Chan winks over dramatically at Woojin, putting down his sandwich. “Anything for ya.”

Woojin rolls his eyes. “Thanks Chris.”

He rounds the corner and spots Seungmin quietly shutting the door behind himself to his shared dorm room with Jisung and Felix.

“Hey Seungie!” He speaks softly, “Something up with Ji? Woojin hyung said that you said he might be sick or, uh, not doing too good?”

“To be honest hyung, I’m not sure but… He seems…off?” Seungmin’s brows draw together in concern. “Like, when I woke up, he was already awake and just staring at the ceiling… He hasn’t spoken more than, like, 5 words to me or Lix all morning? I dunno… It’s… This is _Jisung_ we’re talking about, right hyung? Felix asked him if he was sick and he kinda looked at him, but it was more like he was looking _through_ him? Maybe we should get manager hyung back in here to take him to the doctors?”

Chan pats his shoulder lightly. “I’ll make sure he’s okay. I’ll call manager hyung if need be.” Seungmin nods at that and Chan tries his best to smile sweetly up at him. “Could you _maybe_ help Woojin hyung in making sure the rest of the kids get to the van on time while I check in on Jisung?”

“Yeah sure.” Seungmin scoffs at the sugary overtone Chan uses but smiles none the less at his leader's antics. “See ya hyung.”

Seungmin stops after taking a step. “Hyung?” He questions hesitantly, turning around to face Chan once more. “I don’t know what’s going on with him, but I am really worried.”

Seungmin turns the corner and is gone before Chan can say a single word.


	2. Chapter 2

Chan turns the door handle as quietly as possible and takes a small step into the room. He peers around and takes in Seungmin’s bed, made up neatly in the corner, and Felix’s top bunk... Also surprisingly made? _Will wonders ever cease?_ Is the expression that floats through his head at the sight. He just has to stop and grin to himself as he spots at least ten different plushies threatening to fall onto the ground from their precarious position at the end of Felix’s bunk bed, Gyu being among the pack.

His expression quickly falls as he makes out Jisung’s figure under a bundle of blankets on the lower bunk.

Taking a couple strides over, he speaks softly down to the figure. “Hey Ji? You awake?”

“Channie hyung?”

“Yeah, it’s me. You okay buddy?”

“’Mmkay.” He hears Jisung mumble roughly from beneath the blankets.

“Are you sick? Do you need anything? Water? Medicine?” When he receives no answer from Jisung, he carries on, “How about I go and see what I can find to get some breakfast into you and then—”

“Not hungry, mhmfine.” Comes another mumble that Chan barely catches.

“Oh no, no, no. You just sit tight, and I’ll be right back, yeah?”

“Can I… Just stay here today?”

Chan is taken aback at how small Jisung’s voice comes out.

“Not sick, just not feeling great. That’s all.” Jisung is quick to amend.

“Gimme a second to clear it with manager hyung, okay Ji? Be right back.”

The dorm is finally quiet as Chan slips out of the room and takes long strides to the kitchen. He doesn’t need to see Jisung’s face to know something is going on with him. What he needs to do now is to talk to their manager and then maybe Woojin, if he can manage it.

Woojin strolls casually back into the kitchen as Chan ends the call with their manager. Leaning against the door frame, he raises an eyebrow at Chan. “2 minutes to spare and all the kids are ready?” He askes disbelievingly. “Well, all but two, I guess. So?” He questions, staring pointedly at Chan.

“Yeah? Oh, uh, Jisung isn’t doing too well? Manager hyung said it would be fine to let Jisung take the day off?”

Woojin’s eyebrow raise a fraction higher at the uncertainty laced into Chan’s tone. “Is it serious? He’s not hurt, is he?”

“I think he just needs to take some time off to rest today. I’ll stay back and make sure he’s a-okay before leaving. I can always work here,” Chan shrugs, smiling. “You go on ahead with the kids.”

Woojin nods at that and picks himself off the frame. “Just remember that you don’t have to deal with everything by yourself.”

“Yeah, of course not.” Chan replies off-handedly.

“I mean it.”

A beat of silence passes as Woojin’s eyes search Chan’s. For what, Chan isn’t sure but Chan feels himself being pulled into a hug as Woojin gruffly states, “I really mean it you dummy. We all care about you, just as much as we all care about Jisung.”

“I know.”

Chan swallows past the lump that had risen in his throat at the unexpected turn in their conversation. Chan breathes in deeply and simply lets himself enjoy Woojin’s warmth. “Thank you hyung.”

“Woojin hyung! Minho hyung keeps carrying on about how his ugly ass cats, I mean, how his “ _precious children_ ” ar— Ohhhh, um, I’m sorry?” Jeongin halts a foot away from where the other two are standing and rubs his neck sheepishly at the scene.

Chan chuckles and then lets out an exaggerated, long-suffering groan. “Looks like you really need to go hyung, kids need you.”

“Is this one of those, ‘hugs make everything feel bettah’ moments you keep lecturing us on Channie hyung?” Jeongin asks sweetly. Not at all as if he was trying to mock his hyung’s accent, while undoubtedly, also trying to embarrass Woojin for being caught in such a position. _Really_ , Chan thought to himself, _when would Jeongin ever pass up on any opportunity to take a small dig here or there at them?_

Chan is released from his own musings, (and Woojin’s embrace), as his hyung reached out to smoothly tug Jeongin into a loose headlock.

“What a rascal this maknae is we’re raising Chan.” He jokingly says as said boy promptly frees himself, pulling a face at the two of them and then racing down the hall.

“Come here, you little shit!” Woojin yells after him. “Bye Chan. We’ll see you soon.”

Woojin flashes him one last blinding smile and he’s off, speeding after a squealing Jeongin. Chan’s heart swells at the sight. He grins as he can just make out Woojin’s last chastising remarks before they run out the door.

“—back here! What did I say about that kinda language? And did I say about talking about your hyungs like—”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that's a second chapter! I'm having loads of fun bringing to life my versions of Stray Kids's personalities into this mess :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really did cry several times while writing this and at making Jisung cry. 
> 
> He's a mess, I'm a mess, we're all a mess.  
> This has been the shortest grammar lesson I've ever written.

Chan balances the tray of food between one raised knee and the wall, freeing a hand to rap lightly on the door. “I’m coming in Ji, sorry it took so long,” He calls out before turning the doorknob, switching the tray back to in-between his hands and pushing the remainder of the door open with his knee.

“I said I’m _fine_ hyung.”

“Ji…” Chan trails off, placing the tray down unto the nightstand at the foot of the bunk beds. “Look, you’re obviously not fine, and that’s okay, ya know? You don’t need to be fine all the time. You don’t even need to tell me what’s wrong either, but if you want… I, I’m here for you, yeah?”

Chan settles onto the middle of the bed and pulls down the covers to rest slightly below Jisung’s chin. Jisung’s eyes are red-rimmed and his expression is downtrodden in such a way Chan has rarely, seen before on his face.

He refuses to meet Chan’s searching eyes, and instead, turns to face the wall. “How bad do I look hyung?” Jisung all but whispers, the former annoyance gone from his voice.

“Handsome as always Ji.”

A few stray tears make their way down Jisung’s face and Chan uses his hand to brush them away.

“What’s goin—”

“Now who’s lying, huh hyung?”

Chan’s face pulls together in confusion at the malice that has slipped into Jisung’s voice.

“I— What?”

Jisung refuses to answer as he continues to stare blankly at the wall in front of himself.

In seconds, Chan watches as Jisung's impassive face crumbles. Tears spring to his eyes and his words start coming out in short, clipped breaths, as he tries in vain to swallow down his sobs. “I’ll never be as hand-handsome. Not as h-handsome as Minho h-hyung, or as pretty as Hyunjin. I-I can’t— I— Why can’t I just not ex-exist? You all would b-be so much—”

“Ji, stop. Stop. You’re enough.” Chan cuts him off, his tone firm and unyielding. He just can’t let that thought go on any further. He moves Jisung’s body towards his own, his heart aching at the sight of happy, bubbly Jisung falling apart in such sweeping despair.

“Can I—"

“No. N-no I— I’m no—” Jisung tries to speak again but his hiccups are turning into sobs that encompass his whole body and don’t allow Jisung to speak anymore.

Without a second thought, Chan climbs fully onto the bed, the springs creaking, and pulls Jisung close. Jisung immediately latches onto him, his head resting against the junction of his neck, hands tightly gripping fistfuls of the back of Chan’s shirt as he cries his heart out.

“Hey, I’ve got you. Shhh, you’re enough Ji.” Chan’s voice cracks in an odd rhythm as his arms wrap even more securely around Jisung.

“Chan, I’m so s-sorry. You shouldn’t have pi-picked, picked someone like me. I’ll never be enough. I, I—”

“Jisung listen to me, that’s absolute garbage and you know it. I picked you for _you, because_ I saw what type of person you are.” He pauses, struggling to reign in his own emotions. “You’re smart and handsome and so, _so_ talented. Don’t ever doubt that.”

He can feel Jisung’s racing heartbeat and every shudder his body makes as he heaves in between sobs to catch his breath. Chan tilts his head down to rest gently against Jisung’s forehead.

“You’re enough Jisung,” he whispers, “Please, please believe me.”

Chan pulls him impossibly closer, cradling Jisung as if he were made of nothing, as if he would disappear the minute he dared to let go. He can feel the wetness of Jisung’s tears soak through his shirt, but the only thing Chan can think to do is to card his hands through the smaller boy’s hair and wait patiently for the tears to subside.

“Can you...” Jisung hiccups in between the words. “Can you st-stay with me?”

“Of course Ji.”

It feels like hours have passed until he can finally feel Jisung’s heartbeat return to a less erratic pace and his sobs give way to quieter whimpers. Chan continues to hold him in his arms, humming lowly to Jisung even as he falls asleep, sheer exhaustion taking over.

His thoughts are racing as he stares at the bunk above them. How could Jisung even begin to think it would be better if he didn’t exist? How did he _not_ notice Jisung was so _unhappy_? The guilt crushes him, and a couple of his own tears roll hotly down his cheeks. He angrily swipes them away with the palm of his hand.

How could he call himself a leader? Did Jisung really think that he couldn’t go to him? To any of them? No matter how hard Chan tries to push it down, he couldn’t help that it _hurt,_ it hurt so much. The thought that one of his members, one of his best friends, wouldn’t confide something so important in him, stings in ways he doesn’t know how to comprehend.

Gradually, he tires himself out, slumber finally settling in and the endless cycle of questions fading to blackness.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, please, please! Do not hesitate to point out grammatical errors or things that are odd!

Noise.

Jisung is still sleeping Chan notes gratefully as he opens his bleary eyes. His cell is ringing, and his head is still spinning. Not wanting to disturb Jisung’s peaceful sleep, he extracts his arm out from under him as best he can. He breathes a sigh of relief when the boy doesn’t stir as he heads out of the room.

The clock hands mark close to 10 as he comes out to the living room. He guesses they had only slept a little less than an hour. _Oh shit, my phone._ It’s Hyunjin name on the display and he has already two other missed calls popping up on the screen. _Crap._

“Hyung, where have you been? Missed you. How’s Jisung? Are you coming soon? Minho hyung is driving us all nuts.”

“Hi.” His voice comes out thickly and he winces. “Hey,” he tries again, “he’s fine. I, um, fell asleep, that’s all. Jisung too. Uh, can you actually put Woojin hyung on?”

“WOOJIN HYUNG, IT’S CHRIS HYUNG! HE NEEDS YOU! HE WAS ACTUALLY SLEEPING EVERYONE, CAN YOU BELIEVE?” Hyunjin bellows in his ear, causing Chan to wince another time. “He says he’s on his way hyung. Buh bye!”

“Thanks,” he mutters but Hyunjin is already gone.

“Chan?”

“Hyung,” He breathes out as Woojin’s calming voice comes through. “Can we talk? Now?”

“Yes. Give me a quick second.”

He can hear shuffling noises and what he presumes to be the sound of doors opening and closing. It’s silent in the background as Woojin answers again. “Okay. Is everything… Chan, are you okay? Is Jisung doing better?”

“I— I don’t know. No.” Comes the honest answer finally. “I’m not. Jisung, he—” He takes a steadying breath. “ _He said he didn’t want to exist hyung_. He was crying so hard he was shaking. Why did he never tell me? Aren’t we… Aren’t we supposed to be a family?” The words tumble out in a rush and Chan tries to push down the feelings of hurt that still won’t go away. _This isn’t about you, you absolute idiot,_ he chides himself.

“Chan, it’s not your fault. It’s nobody’s fault,” Woojin tries to reassure him.

_How does Woojin always seem to know how he feels?_

“You’re doing the best you can as our leader, so don’t you _dare_ put this on yourself. We can’t expect you to read our minds. What Jisung needs is someone to be with him now. Jisung is…” Woojin pauses, collecting his thoughts. “He doesn’t expect anything from anyone, and yet, he does anything he can to make everyone else happy. He just takes everything upon himself…It’s… That’s the person he is. I guess he’s more like you than you probably realize.”

“Yeah.” Chan says simply and the silence lingers on, but it isn’t unpleasant. Just listening to Woojin’s breathing is soothing to him. If anything, it allows Chan to rearrange the confusing thoughts running through his head.

Finally, it’s Woojin that breaks the silence. “Do you want me to come back?” He asks and Chan carefully thinks it over. “I—” More than anything, he wants Woojin’s calming presence beside him, but he sighs before answering him. “I think it would be better if it’s just me talking to him hyung.”

“Okay.”

Silence stretches on once more.

“Oh, Chan? Manager hyung said he wouldn’t mind if you took off a couple days so he could feel, ‘like a decent human being’ and that you, ‘basically live at the studio for crying out loud,’ or something to that effect? He also was worried about you two and called me when you didn’t answer your phone. He said he’d buy Jisung some of that chocolate drink he likes. He’s truly a big softie, isn’t he?” Chan chuckles lightly at that and Woojin continues, “obviously, we are _not_ telling the kids about this. I, for one, not-so-secretly enjoy how scared they are of a giant teddy bear of a man.”

“Yeah, definitely not.” Chan agrees grinning. “You should probably get back… I’ll be okay. I— Thank you hyung.”

“We’ll talk when I get back?”

“Yeah. I’d like that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does it feel like the chapters are too rushed?  
> I'd love any feedback/suggestions on how to better pace things as well.
> 
> Like I've said, this is my first attempt at writing and so I'm a little lost on understanding how not to just end things abruptly. 😅


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never ever thought I'd get to posting a piece of my writing on this site.  
> Especially not something without romance or smut.   
> It makes me so incredibly happy that some users have given me kudos/bookmarks!   
> You are all the best! <3

Jisung is sitting, propped up on one arm in bed, rubbing at his eyes with the other as Chan comes back into his room. “What time is it hyung?” Jisung asks, his voice groggy and his hair an absolute mess.

Perching on the bed, Chan gives him a small smile. He ruffles Ji’s hair, further adding to the disarray sitting on top of his head. “Uh… Somewhere in between ten thirty and eleven-ish I’d say?” Jisung hums in acknowledgement.

“Let’s eat, I—”

“Channie-hyu—”

They start speaking at the same time.

“First things first. You’re gonna eat. Hey, don’t look at me like that.” Chan places his hand lightly on Jisung’s shoulder when it looks like Jisung is about to protest. “Then… You, me, uh… we? Whatever. Us, I guess. We can talk. You didn’t have too much to eat yesterday so that isn’t up for debate… The rest, we’ll get to it, uh, afterwards.”

Chan gets up, putting out his hand to pull Jisung up alongside himself. He stops to pick up the tray and tugs Jisung into the kitchen.

After Jisung polishes off the food on the tray, Chan sits him down on the living room couch and goes back to fill a glass of water for him. He hands it to Jisung and then reaches across to tug the blanket from the corner of the couch to over Jisung’s shoulders.

“Thanks hyung.”

Chan looks out the side of his eyes to see Jisung fiddling with the loose threads on the blanket. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“Do we… Really need to talk about this? Can’t we just forget about it? I’m felling better now.”

“No,” says Chan plainly, not unkindly, but with no room for argument.

Jisung sighs. “Chan I— I just, got caught up in my own head okay? I didn’t mean to break down on you like that. That was ah, haha, wild huh? It won’t happen again, I promise.”

When it doesn’t look like Jisung will continue, Chan speaks. “Ji… It’s really not about that. What I said before, I wasn’t fooling around. Nobody could replace you on our team. You belong here. I don’t know where this came from, but I need you to see that what you were saying was... Something that—That... You really scared me Ji.” Discomfort stains Jisung’s features as Chan looks back to him.

“Hey, it’s okay.” Chan reassures him and, in an effort to lighten the mood, pulls him into a bone crushing hug. “Come here ya big goof.” Jisung giggles momentarily as he struggles to break free.

(In the end he can’t escape Chan’s tendencies to cling on to anything within a meter of himself, but who could?)

“I just woke up and felt like…” Jisung hesitantly begins once they settle down again. Chan patiently holds him in his embrace and allows Jisung take all the time he needs. “Like, I wasn’t worth taking up space here and it was suffocating.” Jisung’s voice dips down to a mere whisper at the admission. 

Chan pulls back to peer down at Jisung’s face. “Is… Do you think about stuff like that often?”

“No? Maybe? I dunno, oftenish?” Jisung ventures, faltering under the scrutiny of Chan’s gaze, his gaze turning downcast.

“Have you ever told anyone Ji?”

“No.” Jisung shakes his head, biting his lips. “It’s just… Shit.” Tears well up in his eyes. “It’s just, doesn’t everyone feel like that? Don’t you hyung? Sometimes?”

“I think we all feel insecure at times but…”

“No, I mean forget everyone else. Don’t you hyung?” Jisung repeats. 

“I…”

“Why is it okay for us to constantly struggle and help each other, but not for you?”

The accusation comes out like a plea from Jisung and has Chan momentarily stunned as Jisung begins to shed fresh tears. He has nothing he can say to defend himself. _That’s not true_ , he badly wants to protest, but he also knows more often than not, he tries his best to conceal his worries. He’d never considered it was a selfish thing to do before this moment.

“I’ll…” He picks his next words carefully. “I’ll try harder too, to let you guys know. Promise you’ll do the same?”

“God, the bloody tears won’t stop.” Jisung sniffles, wiping at them with his sleeves. “Yeah, I guess.”

"It's a deal."

Chan grins and tackles Jisung down on the couch in another bear hug. He wraps his hands around Jisung’s head, squishing his cheeks repeatedly as he coos at him, “look at this whole damn cutie.”

“Get off me hyung, ger—off—” Jisung’s muffled voice comes out from under Chan’s body. Jisung’s laughing in between the tears, so it can’t be too bad Chan reasons with himself.

“Never! I’m not letting you go. You’re mine.”

The two are too occupied to notice a figure has made his way to where they are wrestling on the couch.

“ _Ahem._ ”

They both stop to look up.

“Oh, Woojin hyung, hi.”

“You’re home… _Early,_ ” Chan all but squeaks.


End file.
